After two rather emotional moments (read them again here and here), I started feeling infinitely better this weekend. I didn’t truly understand why until I saw the above quote in my Twitter feed this morning.
I had been lost.
When nothing seemed to go my way (weight loss, Clomid cycles, house buying) I, for the most part, shut down. I went through the motions every day, but I didn’t let myself feel. I’m still putting the pieces back together, but I now fully understand what was going on inside of me.
I have to admit, it’s a bit weird to be writing about these feelings. But, hey, I guess blogging is my shrink, as well as you lovely, supportive readers.
I was brutally honest with myself toward the end of last week.
My eating habits were more to blame than anything for the lack of weight loss. I was exercising regularly, but I wasn’t being as careful about my diet as I should’ve been. It wasn’t how much I was eating, but the kinds of foods. I really buckled down last week and shed three pounds. I decided to combine the advice of my doctor and dietician, but also to listen to my body. If I’m hungry, I’m going to eat. I’m just going to make smarter choices.
Coming to terms with that was my biggest hurdle. Once I was over it everything else seemed to fall into place.
I was able to take time to be disappointed and upset that we’re nowhere closer to closing on our house – and with each passing day the odds only increase that it will fall through.
I was able to acknowledge the guilty feelings I’d been harboring when it comes to our TTC struggles. It wasn’t until I told a friend, “This is in no way your fault,” did I realize I’ve placed our inability to conceive squarely on my shoulders for far too long.
It was time to let go of those feelings … and so I did. I highly recommend it! 🙂
If you’re interested in a TTC update: I’m currently 9DPO. I used Clear Blue Easy’s Advanced Digital Ovulation Kit this month, but I never got a solid smiley face (which indicates peak fertility). According to the instructions that likely means my LH surge was not high enough for the test to detect. What that means, I have no clue. Haha! If AF arrives at the end of this week, I’ll be heading back to see Dr. GL with the hope of being able to start meds again. Keep your fingers crossed!