Sabotage!

Well, it’s another unmedicated cycle. This time, though, it’s not by choice.

My blood pressure was ridiculously high at my appointment this morning. They even took it twice. Basically, no drugs until the BP is under control. *sigh*

And it’s my own fault.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I have terrible anxiety. I’ve taken medication to help control it for years, but several months ago I switched to a new one. Shortly after that, I started a weight management plan and began exercising regularly.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack or even felt overly anxious since then. My blood pressure was fine at each monthly weigh-in with my trainer. It was even AOK the first two cycle of Clomid.

Over the holidays, I took my last anti-anxiety pill and just didn’t get the prescription refilled. I had hoped I could control it with the exercise and healthier eating.

Then today happened.

And the trigger, of all things, was a baby.

You see, a woman brought her baby to her appointment. Here is a waiting room full of women (and men) who are struggling to conceive and I just … I don’t know.

I’m bombarded with babies, pregnancies, toddlers, parents complaining, etc. every single day. And I perfectly okay with that. But, I’ve always seen the fertility clinic as a haven from the sensory overload. So when that woman came in pushing a stroller, I just couldn’t take it. I let my brain run rampant with all kinds of thoughts – none of which were positive.

The worst part was, I KNEW my blood pressure was going to be high; however, I was so far gone I couldn’t figure out how to correct the problem.

*sigh*

But anyway, maybe it’s for the best. I already had an appointment with my primary care physician scheduled for next week to have my thyroid tested, so I’ll just add another item to the list.

On my way to lunch this afternoon, I was struck by a thought … this cycle is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I couldn’t decide whether to take a pregnancy test – and ultimately opted not to test at home. But the clinic instituted a new policy and I had to pee in a cup anyway.

Before AF arrived, I was seriously contemplating taking another cycle off. Oh look! I get another cycle off.

Seriously, if I weren’t so mad at myself right now I’m pretty sure I’d be laughing hysterically.

*sigh*

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