I subscribe to several infertility Facebook pages including RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, Attain Fertility, and Infertility Sucks.
This week, one of them shared this piece from a blogger at XO Jane about how society has made it taboo to discuss pregnancy during the first trimester and why that should change. I’m not going to recap the post because I think it’s worth the read no matter where you or a loved one are in the journey to parenthood. The author’s bottom line, however, is that deciding when to talk about pregnancy should be YOUR choice not dictated by societal norms.
This is something I’ve thought about a lot over the years, but even more so since we first met with Dr. GL.
When would I feel comfortable talking about a pregnancy?
Part of me says, “Keep it close to your heart for as long as possible! Cherish it!” But, I honestly can’t see myself keeping it a secret until the end of the first trimester. No matter what. First of all, I’m already sharing information about my menstrual cycles, cervical mucus, and how crazy the drugs make me. I think it would be a disservice to those who have followed, commented (here and on Facebook), sent private messages and cheered us on along the way. Also, it would go against the very foundation on which I began this blog – to openly discuss all aspects of our TTC journey, to show others they don’t have to hide their struggles because they aren’t alone.
Besides, I SUCK at keeping secrets. 😛
For me, it’s that simple.
I know that’s not the case for everyone.
I want to hear from you. When will (or did) you tell everyone? Why did you decide on that particular time? Would you do it differently now?
Hit the comments to share your story!
(in)Fertile Grounds 
With Conner, we waited until 8 weeks (after we’d had a soon and had seen a heartbeat) to tell the grandparents and 14 weeks to tell everyone else. It was my first pregnancy, and I was very nervous about EVERYTHING.
With our first miscarriage, we told our parents at about 8 weeks again, and everyone else two weeks later after a second sono confirmed a heartbeat at 9.5 weeks… then we went for a dating ultrasound and there was no longer a heartbeat at 11 weeks. We were DEVASTATED. It was awful having to go back and “untell” everyone… but you wouldn’t believe how many women (and men), close friends who I’d known for years, came out of the woodwork and shared their stories of loss with me. I truly had a strong support system, and I had no idea that so many friends of mine had known the sadness of a loss. I had the D&C the week of Thanksgiving because the miscarriage didn’t start on it’s own after 5 days. That baby was due in June, two weeks after my BFF was due with her first. Seeing her daughter now is somewhat bittersweet.
It took 8 weeks to get my cycle back, and we were fortunate enough to get pregnant with Addison on the first try in February. I found out on my Dad’s birthday. With her, we told both sets of parents right away because they’d only had the joy of being grandparents again for a few days before we lost the baby, and they were devastated too. We didn’t share it with the whole world until after 14 weeks – we were gun shy after our previous loss. I had a slight bleed at 5w3d and a major bleed at 7w4d (enough that we went for an u/s to confirm the pregnancy had completed the miscarriage on its own without leaving extra tissue behind). To our shock and surprise, there she was, swimming around on the screen. We knew she was trouble then… She’s here and healthy, having just turned two! Whether or not she’s normal is to be debated, she’s crazy… but we love her just the same.
With our second miscarriage this past June, we were SURE we’d had our 1 in 4 (statistically speaking) and we were confident that everything would work out. We told our parents pretty much immediately, and within a few days my HCG tests came back that it wasn’t doubling properly, so we knew the pregnancy was doomed, and I miscarried naturally just a few days later. We never had the chance to consider telling anyone else. Very few friends even know we lost a second baby… we’d kept our hearts guarded so the loss wasn’t as devastating this time, but it was a loss nonetheless.
And now? Well… we’ll see. Our parents know, and they are bursting to tell the whole world. I’m thinking we won’t make it Facebook official until we’re out of the first trimester… it’s early yet and September is a long way away. But my HCG doubled in a timely manner, progesterone is good, and I’m looking to see the little gummy bear in about 3-4 weeks on a sono. We are still very guarded right now, but every passing day I grow a teensy bit more hopeful that this baby will be our second rainbow following the storm of a loss. If not, I’ll have a third flower to add to my future forget-me-not tattoo – one for each little lost one.
When to tell is a personal choice I guess. There are pros and cons for telling early and for waiting… but know regardless that when your big day comes, we’ll be cheering from the roof tops!!
Love you, Linds!! ❤
And I love you!! Thank you so much for sharing; I was hoping you would. I’m still so excited for you, but I completely understand being guarded given all that has happened. I’m keeping the faith this will be your second rainbow baby! ❤
Ugh. Another close friend of mine went in for a second sono today (at 7-8 weeks) and there was no heartbeat. This is her second loss in a row – her first was a chemical pregnancy and she lost it the week before I lost my June baby this summer… And just today (when we are again 3 weeks apart in being preggo together), this happens. Miscarriage SUCKS.
By the way, for those who are as OCD and anxious as me, I cannot recommend this enough:
http://www.clinicalguard.com/sonoline-handheld-pocket-fetal-doppler-p-174.html
Best $60 I ever spent, being able to hear my babies heartbeat every day from 10 weeks until I could feel him/her move regularly.
I can only fantasize how I will do it. I’d like to maintain that I’d keep it to myself for the first trimester, but like you, I have chosen to be so open about all this on my blog and somewhat on FB too. I would literally have to close up shop on all outlets of social media if I planned on keeping it private until 12 weeks. I am also a crappy secret keeper. Especially a secret that is a long awaited dream of mine. Ahhhhh. And then there is this part of me that wouldn’t want to contribute to someone else’s infertility pain due to my joy, and therefore I wouldn’t want to celebrate it too much. I don’t know. Tough call all around. Great thought provoking post.
Hi Lo! Thanks so much for stopping by! Always love to see new bloggers! Like you, I would have to close up shop on social media as well. Haha! As far as contributing to another’s infertility pain, I absolutely get that. As someone who has literally had every woman in her inner circle get pregnant or give birth during the last 1.5 years, I know the pain (as I’m sure you do) very well. At the same time, I feel like hearing someone who has struggled with infertility is pregnant gives others a certain amount of hope. Allows them to remain hopeful that they will also be able to share that news one day. And having hope is something that’s important! I’m sending you much love, hope and baby dust! Don’t be a stranger around here!
I think that anyone that we have let in the know with our IVF we will tell right away. We will probably keep it to ourselves for a little bit, until we feel comfortable telling everyone else. I suppose its always subject to change- its uncharted territory for us.
Ah. Uncharted territory. How I wish it wasn’t for any of us. But, you’re right. Things are always subject to change when you’ve never been in a situation before. I feel like even though I plan on telling people, my written and spoken words will still be cautiously optimistic.
With Austin I told everyone as soon as I confirmed it with the doctor at 6 weeks LOL. I waited until I was 29 to have a child and wanted to share our happiness with everyone. I also would not be ashamed if (god forbid) something happened. Miscarriage is extremely common and our bodies way of naturally taking care of a pregnancy that might not be viable. Yes, it can also happen for other health reasons but I would also want to share that to help others. Now if a woman has a history of miscarriage I can understand her not wanting to share until she is 12 weeks. I appreciate your open and honest account of what you are going through. I can’t wait until the day I see you say “WE ARE PREGNANT!
❤ Thanks for commenting, Stacey! I'm thankful every day for you and everyone else who has supported us! I can actually see excitedly telling everyone. Haha! 😀 It's my hope that the more people talk about things like infertility and miscarriage, the more those who have experienced those kinds of pain won't feel so isolated.