I’ve been absent from the blogging arena for quite a while.
Many of you followed as I chronicled our two years of wedding planning. Afterward, I struggled to blog regularly because life was pulling me in so many different directions. Several times I attempted to write about my photography, but I just didn’t have enough steam.
However, something happened last week that pushed me to dust off the keyboard and begin typing again.
I grew up with a large extended family – a family that always seemed to have young children in it. I may not know the first thing about raising a kid, but I sure as hell can change poopy diapers, feed it and give it lots of snuggles and love.
There was never a time in my life where I thought, “I don’t want to have kids.” In fact, I’ve been emotionally ready for a very long time. Sure, I’ve cracked plenty of “I can’t even take care of myself jokes” over the years, but it was just a façade. Inside I was craving what many of my friends already had.
Unfortunately, Randy and I were not on the same page. My husband is a man who researches, ponders, and researches some more before making life-altering decisions. It’s one of the things I love about him and yet it infuriates me at the same time. Ha! While he readied his emotions (and we both cushioned our bank accounts), I kept reminding myself that “Good things come to those who wait.”
And wait I did.
Last summer, just over a year into our marriage, we seriously started talking about having a child. We plotted around my work schedules and decided to start trying in August with hopes of getting pregnant in November or December.
I now realize how cocky and arrogant I was. I took for granted that I kept track of my cycles. I was convinced it wouldn’t take us the year that seems to be a benchmark in baby-making land.
September, October and November came and went. No baby. Lots of money spent on books, ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests.
I lamented to a co-worker friend that I was getting frustrated. She told me about the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and how it really helped her know the “It’s Baby Time” signs.
I ran to Barnes and Noble and purchased it. I read it almost cover-to-cover and learned things about my body that I never knew. I then asked another friend (she’s as Type A as I am) what methods she used to chart her cycles.
The overall consensus … chart my basal body temperature and use ovulation predictor kits. There were a few other things, but they don’t need to be written here. No sense in making everyone even more squeamish.
Thus began my journey into obsessing about my temps, reading message boards and finding online trying to conceive buddies.
December, January and February flew by. Still no baby. I moved past frustration and into the land of weariness. “This entire process SUCKS and I just want my life back,” I’d tell Randy. Everyone says, “Just relax!” or “Have fun with it!”
It doesn’t work like that for a lot of people.
I finally decided that if I wasn’t pregnant by the time my annual appointment arrived in April, I would push to be referred to a specialist.
And that’s exactly what I did. And, thankfully, I have a doctor who understands me and had no problem referring me to someone (even though she didn’t think I had fertility issues).
It was the best decision I’ve made in a long time.
Randy and I met with a new doctor last Thursday and, as it turns out, I do seem to have fertility problems. In fact, the doctor even told us that IVF or adoption would be our only options for having a child.
It was like I was living a nightmare and wasn’t able to wake up.
The doctor looked at me at one point and said, “Were you expecting any of this?”
“Not at all,” I replied through tears.
In one of the most honest moments I’ve ever seen from a doctor, he almost sighed, “I wasn’t either.”
Now, I’m not starting this blog looking for pity or I’m sorries. The fact is, we have options. All is not lost. We’ll just be taking a different route than we anticipated to have a little one. Millions of couples struggle with infertility. We are not alone and definitely not in the worst shape.
This is my journal (albeit a public one). There will be ups and downs, but I want to share our story. I want to one day share these entries with our child (at an appropriate age, of course) – no matter how he or she comes into our life. 🙂
I hope you’ll come along with us on this bumpy ride! Stay tuned for updates!